The Incompetence Test

It all started two days ago when the power went out. The alarm clock next to my bed flashed 12:00pm for 48 hours straight because I didn't have to work yesterday and it seemed pointless to set the time. It wasn't until I was getting into bed late last night that I even bothered to touch it and set the alarm for work today.

Yet I woke up this morning not by my alarm. Not even naturally on my own. But by my roommate coming to see if I should be up for work before she left for class. Thank God she did, because I'd set the alarm for 7:45pm, not 7:45am. As I would learn later, this was a subtle prelude to the day I was about to have.

My morning shift at the library was slower than usual. Or maybe a lot slower than usual. As time progressed I seemed to have less and less to do, and around two o'clock I'd run out of busy work completely. There weren't even any books that needed shelved. And there were always books that needed shelved. That's how mind-numbingly slow we were.

With an hour left, I struggled to make work for myself. I'd straightened books on the shelf, emptied all the drop boxes, rearranged the paperback exchange books two or three times. So when the phone rang, I jumped at the chance for something to do.

I've never had a problem answering phones at the places I've worked. Some people shy away from phones not wanting to speak to someone they can't see. It makes them feel uncomfortable or discombobulated. Which is completely understandable. I get it. It's weird.

Picking up the phone I answered with the usual, "Circulation. This is Megan speaking. How may I help you?"

And typically it's just people calling in to renew books or see how much they owe in fines. No big deal. I have the computer in front of me. I pull up their information. The call is over in two minutes flat.

Occasionally we get calls for other things. "What time does such-and-such program begin?" or "I think my group booked the meeting room for five o'clock next Wednesday, but we really actually need it at four. How can I fix this?"

And then there are calls like the one I'd just doomed myself by answering. Elderly patrons asking about how to work eBooks.

Before I get into too much detail I'd just like to point out that it's sometimes difficult enough to explain eBooks to tech-savvy 20-somethings while they're standing in front of you. Getting into the gritty details with people who don't have the biggest grip on the latest technology... well... it's a bloody nightmare.

Lending books via the internet is still a new enough concept for a number of people that it takes a lot of explaining and trial-and-error for them to really understand.

The first, and sometimes biggest, challenge is to get people to understand that they cannot borrow books using a Nook. Nook is owned by Barnes and Noble and it is only through Barnes and Noble that you can buy and lend books on one of their readers. So many people come in with their new Nooks saying, "Oh, I got this especially because I knew I could borrow library books, too!"

Wrong. I don't know who told you that. It certainly wasn't a library staff member or the guy selling you the Nook at the local B&N because we all know better.

It is also not possible to borrow books on the Kindle... unless you have a Kindle Fire. And even then, you have to go into your system and change settings that allow you to install applications from unknown sources. This process alone is confusing enough for some people to handle. And that's only just the beginning.

To borrow books from our vendor, you really just need a device with an internet connection and the ability to download apps. This usually includes desktops, laptops, netbooks, tablets, smart phones, etc. Not eReaders. While this may seem nonsensical, it's because most eReaders (like alluded to before) can only download books from certain platforms and don't allow third-party downloads.

So, with this basic knowledge in mind, I resume my story...

"Hello, I have a question about your eBooks. I'm looking online and I wanted to know how to download them."

Sigh. I hate these questions. Because despite the fact that we have a really useful and detailed guide to eReaders and Magic Wall (our eBook interface) on the homepage of our library's website, people are too lazy to use it and decide to call instead expecting us to walk them through the process, step by god-damn step. Get your shit together people! Take advantage of the tools we provide you.

"Yes, sir, I can help you with that. Just give me a moment to bring up Magic Wall so I can see what I'm doing as I explain it to you."

When I get on the webpage, he has already confirmed that he is on it as well. Assuming he has already downloaded Blio (the app needed to view/read borrowed books) because he's asking how to download them, I go into my spiel about how to search/download books on the application. He then stops me about 3/4 of the way through and says, "I'm on the page you told me to go to, but I can't see more than five books. How do I see more?"

After asking him if he's scrolling down the page (apparently yes) or if he has changed his Magic Wall settings (apparently no), I suggest trying to re-load the page. When that doesn't work I put him on hold and go ask my boss if she has any suggestions. She's just as perplexed as me. 153 book matches, only five books showing... hmm...

I get back on the phone and while my boss stands beside me listening, we both try to figure out this guy's problem. Not that either of us particularly care that he can only see five results, but because he's been such a dick about figuring it out. "Well, I can only see five. I don't know what you're looking at." "This program doesn't work." "Figure it out!"

After about five minutes of going over any possible solution with this guy (who only gets ruder and ruder), it turns out that he wasn't scrolling down the page after all.

Yes. That is right. This dumb old shithead doesn't know how to work a webpage. He's scrolling down the page, yes. But he's not scrolling the text box that the book matches appear in. (Even though I asked him if he was also doing that.)

So, problem solved, right? Wrong.

"Now I need to know how to set up a Blio account."

...what? He doesn't have one? How is that possible after all I just went over?? You can't download books unless you have a Blio account.

"Sir, there is a step-by-step guide on how to download Blio onto your device and set up an account with them on our website. Perhaps you would like to take a look at that. I can show you how to get there."

"No. I'm talking to you right now, aren't I? Just tell me how to do it."

So then he goes into this story about how he tried to set up an account, but it won't let him. A webpage loads that says the service is not available and to try again later.

"Sir, this sounds like a problem with Blio. This isn't something I can help you with. It's possible their servers are down. Perhaps you should try again later."

"I ALREADY TRIED AGAIN LATER!"

"Sir, what device are you using your Blio application on?"

"My Kindle."

If it were possible to stick my hand through the phone and slap him across his dumb wrinkly face, believe me, I would have at that moment.

"Sir, the Blio application does not work on any Kindle except the Kindle Fire. Do you have a Kindle Fire?"

"No, but my wife does."

"Ok, but are you using her Kindle Fire?"

"No."

Moron!

"I'm sorry, sir, but you have to have a Kindle Fire in order to create an account with Blio and to properly download books from the Magic Wall."

"Well, that is not what I was told. I was just there yesterday and someone told me that this is fine. Obviously you don't know what you're talking about. Who is the expert on eBooks? I want to talk to them! You keep interrupting someone near you for help. You are incompetent. Let me speak to the eBook expert!"

Excuse me? I am what? Did you just say what I think you said? After I have been perfectly nice and very accommodating seeing as you've now wasted 10 minutes of my time, you have the audacity to tell me that I'm incompetent?

Eyes narrowed, fists clenched, and voice restrained I simply replied...

"Dear sir I think you need a massive reality check. It is very clear that you are the incompetent one. Thank you for calling. Have a nice dayyy!" Click.

No, I'm totally kidding.

But I did hand the phone over to one of my co-workers who then proceeded to go through the exact same thing with the prick.

After talking with her, he insisted on speaking to the library director so he could complain about both me and my co-worker.

Did I mention he also told my co-worker that I was incompetent? She then proceeded to tell him that he was being irrational and needed to calm down. All anyone could do was laugh at this man's ignorance. We all felt a bit sorry for him really...

Oh, and as it turns out, his wife is a regular caller to the reference department where she proceeds to time how long it takes them to find information for her. She then comes in and "tells" on them to our branch manager.

Really people? Get a life.