Confessions of a Part-Time Hipster and Faux Realist

This is the result of the encouragement of a good friend. . . 

1) Sometimes when I am watching a movie or tv show and there is a female character that exudes characteristics that I hate about myself or wish I had, I automatically dislike that character. And once I dislike a character, there is no turning back. No matter how much someone may try to convince me otherwise. Also, there is a 100% chance that the true reason I am not in favor of a certain character is ever divulged.

2) I am a book snob. A completely ridiculous, utterly impossible book snob. I have rules about the books I read, and I follow them. Anything British. Anything written before the mid-20th century. Any new fiction that is not over-popularized. If a book starts to develop a fandom before I have read it, there is a good chance I never will.

3) I am very protective of the books I do read. Once I am attached, I become mildly obsessed. It's a problem that often results in unnecessary stress and a sort of post-reading depression.

4) I like people to think that I am pragmatic and resourceful, but really I am hopelessly idealistic and whimsy.

5) I can never understand when people say that they do not like art. That is like saying you've never looked at a painting, photo, drawing, sculpture, etc. and had a thought about it, even if that thought was incomplete or incoherent. While I am an absolute believer that art should make you think, feel, and move you in some way, I am also an absolute believer that it can be for the sake of beauty and pleasure alone. How can someone truly look at the work of. . . Michaelagelo, Titian, or Modigliani. . . and not at least think, "Yes, that is beautiful."

6) The probable reason I've never been on a date with anyone is because I'm outlandishly picky and critical. I sabotage myself, but I can't help thinking that there must be someone out there that holds the same standards that I do. I'm holding out for him.

7) A guy who can dress well is a turn on.

8) A guy who is conceited because he can dress well is a turn off.

9) I'm a closet fashion diva. If I had the money and was diligent enough, I'm convinced I'd have a stunning wardrobe.

10) Sometimes I judge books by their covers... which is why I believe that publishers should just go back to binding them in a solid colored outer shell. That way I won't have this problem.

11) Hyperbole is my best friend. I don't think we've gone a day without spending time with each other.

12) If I could get lost in any fictional world... I would choose the Doctor's without hesitation. While magic, super powers, talking animals, pirates, knights, elves, and other ethereal beings are beyond cool, I have this overwhelming longing to know what is beyond the stars. I have been fascinated with the night sky even before I started watching Doctor Who in high school. It's actually become somewhat of an obsession and sometimes the only place I can ever really find any solace. I just know that somewhere out there in the universe, there is something waiting to be discovered beyond my imagination. And if nothing else, just looking up into the stars and remembering to breathe can really put your life into perspective when you feel like you're losing grip.

13) If I could get lost anywhere in the real world... I would choose England. While one of my greatest ambitions is to see the world and as much of its glory as possible, I know England is where my heart will always belong. English culture has been another obsession of mine. I remember when I was in elementary school I checked out the two books on England from the library so many times that the librarian became concerned about my reading habits. But I didn't care about the other books she suggested I read.

14) Once when I was little I saw a movie (and I don't remember what it was) where a character said that she wanted to learn another language so that she could talk about other people and they wouldn't understand her. I remember thinking what a brilliant idea this was. I now have a minor in French... which may or may not have been an extended reaction to this notion.

15) Every time I try to diet I fail miserably because I love food so much. But then I look at myself and hate what I see. So I try again, but food always gets the best of me. It's a never ending cycle. One day I'm hoping that my vanity prevails.

16) Here is, in no particular order, a list of my top five favorite fictional characters from literature (at the moment):

     a) Cassandra Mortmain -- I Capture the Castle

     b) Heathcliff -- Wuthering Heights

     c) Edmond Dantès -- The Count of Monte Cristo

     d) Bridget Jones -- Bridget Jones' Diary

     e) Sherlock Holmes -- The Complete Works of Sherlock Holmes

18) The only thing I would ever give up acting for is England.

19) I'm too frivolous with my money and can't keep to a budget even if that budget needs to be adhered to.

20) I love spending time alone, but I hate feeling alone.

21) I do not, and probably never will, believe that I am worth it.

Memorization Troubles

If you've stumbled across this blog, there is one important thing you need to know about me: I am an actress. At the moment, I'm living in Northwest Indiana, trying to save up enough money to actually move to Chicago and see if I can take my career anywhere.

Currently I'm in a production of Snow White at a local theatre which is quite reputable in the area. Exciting as this well may be, I seem to be having memorization issues. Too many of my lines are similar, making it difficult to remember at which points certain variations of lines are meant to be said.

To show you what I mean, here are a few examples:

In truth, my queen, there are none so lovely as you in all the land. There are none to compare with your beauty.

In truth, my queen, there is no one in the entire world as lovely as you.

In truth, my queen, you are still possessed of a face as fair as the morning sky.

Don't get me wrong, I'm loving my time as the Mirror and she's a fabulous, sassy character to play, but she can get kind of redundant. Either she's saying the same thing over and over again or she's reciting some monologue about how the evil Queen is going to poison Snow White and only the Seven Dwarfs can protect her.

I don't seem to recall ever really having this problem before...

May I finish memorizing these lines in time for tonight's first full run-through.

How the Doctor Saved My Sanity

There are some days you wake up and feel like you have the world in the palm of your hand. You're ready and eager to battle any challenge thrown at you.

There are other days when you wake up feeling like everything you've ever done has been a mistake and the pathetic, abysmal life your living now is only a result of the poor choices you've made.

Today was neither of those days.

Today, I woke up in my bed for the 70-something-ish time this summer feeling as if I might just walk away from everything I've ever known if the right opportunity passed me by. I didn't have anything keeping me where I was, besides maybe a signature on a nine-month lease agreement, and suddenly everything felt like it needed to change. Thus I began to wonder...

The following is a list of things I compiled not keeping me where I currently am:

-two mediocre, dead-end, part-time jobs.
-three permanent (and one not-so-permanent) roommates of whom I loathe and despise.
-an apartment next door to the university I just graduated from three months ago.

Sounds really appealing, right? A recent college graduate with a bachelor's degree and all I had to show for it were two $8/hr jobs and a shitty home life. I could have gotten all of those things without going to college and spent about $90,000 less of money I didn't even have.

But then there had to be something good about what I was doing...

The following is a list of things I compiled keeping me where I currently am:

-The aforementioned $90,000 in school debt.
-Two bank accounts with a dazzling grand total of $178.36.
-That damned lease agreement.

After carefully and thoroughly studying the two lists, I made a rather shocking discovery -- neither contained a single positive item. But how did this make sense? There was supposed to be some good in there somewhere. I mean, isn't that why they called it "pros and cons" and not just "cons and cons"? Suddenly my world began to blur and I felt like I was being swallowed up and suffocated by the air around me.

Breathe. I had to remember to breathe.

Two emotionally draining hours of worrying and a silent crying session into my pillow later, a thought popped into my mind which hadn't occurred to me before: maybe the reason I was so unhappy was because I never even gave myself the opportunity to actually enjoy what I was doing, even if it wasn't exactly what I had planned in the grand scheme for my life.

Then it hit me. Stress. I could not remember a time when I didn't feel overwhelmed by some aspect in my life. Four years of college was basically a breeding ground for unhealthy mental behaviors and I'd succumbed to an unendurable hopelessness that haunted me even after I had left the world of academia. I couldn't seem to shake it off. Bills. Debt. Roommates. Family. There it was, the dark shadow of doom, hiding around every corner.

As I was contemplating this theory, I glanced at a piece of art I'd done, hanging on my bedroom wall. On it was a quote that read: "The way I see it, every life is a pile of good things and bad things. The good things don't always soften the bad things, but vice versa, the bad things don't necessarily spoil the good things and make them unimportant." 

There it was, hanging above my head all along. The answer to all my problems. I was looking at everything through the wrong lens. I needed to adjust the focus and put away the shades. Leave it to Doctor Who to inspire within me a new attitude.

While keeping the wisdom of the Doctor in mind, I created a new list.

My pile of good things:

-living independently on my own for the first time in my entire life without the help of anyone else.
-having the opportunity to be a part of what a I love most dearly in life, theatre, and doing it with people whom I've genuinely come to enjoy.
-being employed at two different businesses while some people have no jobs at all.
-forming even stronger relationships with some close friends and being able to share in the happiness of one of my best friends as she begins to plan her wedding.
-being single and having no one to answer to or tie me down.

While I still find it difficult to define many of the events, obstacles, and situations in my life as positive, I've spent most of the day working on my perception of the things I don't necessarily find appealing. I really believe that with a little work I can start to change my mindset and learn to alleviate some of this unwanted stress in my life. I can't change everything, of course, there will always be bills to pay and lessons to learn -- that pile of bad things -- but at the very least I can open myself up the things that I have good in life and allow myself to embrace their potential.